Pumping at work: One mom’s frustrating story

Recently on the mother to mother Breastfeed, Chicago Facebook group, a mom vented a brief story of a negative interaction with a coworker that she had regarding her need to pump at work.  This story sparked a very strong memory for me of a time, now 6 years ago, when I too returned to work and was pumping so that I could continue to breastfeed my baby.  I wanted to share that story with all of you in hopes it might be helpful to others.

Whenever I think about new and veteran moms returning to work and pumping, I am immediately brought back to December 2005.  I was a new mom, returning to work after my 3 month maternity leave.  I was a social worker in an outpatient HIV clinic within a large hospital in New York City.  I was very fortunate in that my daughter was going to the day care that was part of the hospital across the street from my office.  This afforded me the opportunity to go over during my lunch and breastfeed her, thus eliminating one time a day when I had to pump and also one less bottle that someone would be giving her.  Like many new moms who have returned to work, I was no longer the same person I had been when I left to give birth just 3 months before.  I now had a new role in life, new priorities and my job no longer really ranked up there with the things that mattered most to me.  I knew that I was going to be moving in 6 months and had it set in my mind that I could handle pumping at work for that amount of time.  I knew it wouldn’t be easy, but with an end in sight, I thought, “how hard could it really be?”

At the time, I shared an office with two other coworkers, both female social workers.  One was, and continues to be a very close friend.  The other was a friend prior to me having a baby and even came to my home to visit me and my daughter while I was on maternity leave.  My actual cubicle was at the back of our office space, meaning that my coworkers did not have to walk past my office to get to their own.  On my first day back at work, both of my office mates were out.  It was great!  I did my job, saw my patients, put up my little curtain and pumped when I needed to.  In between I washed all my pump parts, and nursed my baby at lunch over at the daycare.  I felt empowered by my ability to work and also provide the most nutritious food for my baby. Sadly, when everyone returned, this all changed.

The coworker who I was very close with thought it was great that I was pumping at work.  She didn’t have children of her own but understood the purpose and the necessity of it.  The other one, we’ll call her Veronica (her name has been changed to protect the not so innocent), was another story entirely.  I told her that I would be pumping a couple of times a day in my office and that I would try to do it at a time that she wasn’t going to be seeing patients.  I asked that, if the actual door at the entrance to the office was closed, could she please knock before coming in?  She didn’t take this well at all.  She accused me of trying to control her and thus preventing her from doing her job.  She also told me she was not comfortable with hearing the pump from the other side of the cubicle wall.  I’m embarrassed to say that several screaming arguments took place between us which usually led to one of us storming off.  Suffice it to say, this did not make for a very relaxing environment to pump in.  In retrospect, I realize now that I was very hormonal, exhausted from being up at night with my newborn for the last three months, and in the midst of a major life change between having just become a mother and now transitioning into my role as a working mom.  I also naively assumed that all would be supportive of my choice to breastfeed.  Now when I think back on it, I realize that I did not have any other friends with babies, and I didn’t know anyone who had returned to work while pumping.  As time went on, I began to think about some of the things that had happened to Veronica that may have made her react how she did.  She was single and her slightly older sister had just had a baby a few months before I had.  Her sister had chosen not to breastfeed so the actual process of continuing a breastfeeding relationship while working was foreign to her.  That being said, she made no attempt to understand what it entailed or what I was going through.

The hostile climate in the office worsened, when a week or so after I returned to work, the New York City Transit Authority went on strike for 4 days, discontinuing bus and train service in all 5 boroughs.  Since I no longer had any sick time left (it was all used up during my maternity leave), I had no choice but to go to work, but that also meant figuring how how to get my infant daughter there as well.  Since many of the day care workers lived in the outer boroughs and it was taking them 2-3 hours to get home each night, one day they had to close the day care early.  Nothing was going on in our office (our patients couldn’t get to their appointments either) so I picked up my daughter early that day and brought her back to my office while I finished up for the day.  She quietly hung out in her car seat while I typed up some last few notes.  Next thing I knew, Veronica stormed into my cubicle screaming at me for once again assuming that the way I was choosing to use our shared space was okay with everyone else.  Suffice it to say, when I finally made it home that night, I cried for quite some time from all the stress this was causing.  I was totally baffled by her strong negative reaction to me and my baby.

My supervisor at the time tried to be as supportive as he could.  He was in a tough place because he was both mine and Veronica’s supervisor and although he knew that she was being unreasonable, he didn’t really know how to handle the situation.  As far as Veronica was concerned, I could use one of the exam rooms that were constantly in use for patient care and would never have provided any privacy.  The hospital knew that they were required to provide me a non bathroom space to pump in (although I did end up pumping in the bathroom at least once), but their solution was for me to make a 20 minute trek over to the NICU pumping room each time I needed to pump.  This would not have allowed me to do my job.  In the end, I was lucky enough to be able to move into a former supervisor’s private office where I could both work and pump for the remainder of my time at work.  Veronica and I never spoke again and the entire practice was divided among whose “side” they were on as a result of the entire situation.

In retrospect, I probably should have approached the situation differently.  Maybe I didn’t take into account how she would feel about it.  Honestly, at the time, I wasn’t really concerned with anyone else other than my baby and how I was going to provide food for her while being away from her for most of the day.  I certainly let my emotions get the best of me and probably seemed like this crazy breastfeeding woman to her, but I didn’t care.  I guess I still don’t.  I know that everyone has their own issues and some people, for whatever reason, are not entirely comfortable with breastfeeding.  As a nursing mom, pumping in order to feed my baby was a logical and natural choice for me.  However, for someone who had had very little exposure to breastfeeding, my decision must have made her feel awkward, uncomfortable, and imposed upon.

If you are returning to work and will be continuing to pump, my advice to you would be to seriously think about the environment you will be returning to and how you can make your very difficult job of pumping at work as easy as possible. In Illinois, your employer is required by law to provide you with a “non bathroom” space in which to pump.  Currently, 24 states have laws related to breastfeeding in the workplace.  Talk to your coworkers.  If they are a group of single 20 and 30 year olds who have not had any experience with breastfeeding moms, be prepared to educate them on all the hard work that moms do to provide the best food for their babies and share some of all the excellent benefits of breastfeeding (like how your baby will be healthier, resulting in you not taking days off to care for a sick child).  You may even make a difference in their decision to someday choose to breastfeed their own baby.

For a long time after this experience, I had this fantasy of sending Veronica a letter detailing to her how she had made my life a living hell for that six months.  I would have told her that I hoped that someday she would be lucky enough to find someone that would make her happy and they would be lucky enough to have a baby together.  I hoped that when she became a mother and experienced it as the total life change that it is, that she finally would understand why the way she treated me was so wrong, so hurtful, and so traumatizing.  I guess this blog post is that letter.

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For better or for worse

For the purposes of this post, most relationships will be characterized as marriages, however, by no means do I believe it is necessary to be married in order to raise a child.  It only takes two people who care about and respect each other and who are dedicated to caring for and loving the baby.  Married or not married, two mommies or two daddies, it makes no difference.

No one ever said marriage was easy.  Having a new baby certainly doesn’t make it any easier.  A very insightful new mom in one of the sessions of The Chicago New Moms Group commented that she doesn’t understand why a couple would decide to have a baby to save a marriage since having a baby can challenge a relationship in ways one may never have previously even imagined.  Shortly after the birth of my first child, my father in law told me, “You aren’t really married until you’ve had a baby.”  Why is this?  Because until this point in time, it is likely that nothing else that you have coped with as a couple has challenged you in quite this way.  I would say the only exception to this would be if you had dealt with a serious illness as a couple.

So your new baby has arrived, a baby who you have hopefully had some fun conceiving (unless this process occurred in a laboratory), now the work begins.  As a mother, your transition to motherhood may not be easy but your identity as a mother begins to consume you the first time you hold your new baby.  For a breastfeeding mother, your presence is intricately tied to your baby’s livelihood and nurishment.  However, often partners struggle to find a role within the family and sometimes this can lead to tension in the relationship.  I frequently hear new moms say that their partners often take a backseat when it comes to child care duties such as feeding, changing, putting the baby to sleep and general comfort measures because the mom just is better at it.  Although this may be true, it is largely due to the fact that she is solely responsible for these duties so much of the time and, well, practice makes perfect, right?  Moms who are at home with their babies during the day, whether it is on maternity leave or because they are staying at home full time, learn to read them better because they spend more time with their babies then fathers if the father has gone back to work. When given as much practice, clearly partners can do just as well, but often moms have a hard time giving up that control (myself included!).  Sometimes it just seems easier to do it yourself rather than show your partner how you do it or, better yet, let him learn for himself.  Even though a partner may not be directly responsible for feeding a baby in the beginning, there are many things he can do to help him connect with his baby.  Dads are often great at comforting babies, they can change diapers, they are often expert swaddlers, getting babies wrapped up snug so that there is no escaping and therefore leading to some longer sleep segments which in turn, helps everyone feel better.  Chances are he is going to have his own way of doing things that are different from you. I know its hard but with all your strength, resist the urge to correct him (unless there is a real safety issue involved) because this can lead to him feeling that his way is always wrong and ultimately, taking a backseat in parenting.  Building his confidence and his skills leads to greater satisfaction in his role as a parent and a greater sense of inclusion in the new family dynamic.  Incidentally, having the positive support of a partner is also one of the strongest predictors for a successful breastfeeding relationship between mom and baby.  All these ways of including your partner and also giving him greater responsibility in his role as a parent are essential to helping your relationship stay strong following your baby’s birth.

The other component to a well functioning relationship that I can’t emphasize enough is communication. This sounds obvious but when everyone is exhausted from being up all night with a baby, the first thing to break down is communication.  We get snappy, we get cranky, we make assumptions about things that we think our partner should know.  For instance, after the first few initially crazy months after your baby is born, he may assume that since you are into more of a routine as a mom, that you are okay with him going back to his original weekend plan of watching football and taking naps.  While you may have spent your whole week counting the minutes until Saturday when he will be there to help you and give you a little parenting respite (maybe you were looking forward to showering before 4pm or even running an errand or two on your own). Unless you directly tell him that you plan on relying on him for some very specific tasks, chances are, he has no clue.  I know, sounds simple but some basic communication can go a long way to keeping your relationship strong as you and your partner begin your new roles together as co parents.

Breastfeeding and returning to work

You have just spent anywhere from 2-6 months (maybe more) at home with your new baby.  If you are breastfeeding, you have likely spent much of this time trying to figure out the whole process of nursing.  Not an easy task for some.  Now you may be returning to work, and, as you may have already discovered, there is now a whole new learning curve as you figure out how you can continue breastfeeding while also being apart from your baby for several hours during the day.  This week’s post will hopefully provide some answers to one of the big questions asked throughout the sessions of The Chicago New Moms Group:  I’m going back to work and I want to continue breastfeeding. How do I do this?

A big thank you to Kathy Lipke, board certified lactation consultant of Lactation Partners for the following helpful information about planning your return to work. Another excellent resource for further information can be found on the Medela website.  Check it out!

Many women who return to work continue to breastfeed their baby when at home and pump and offer bottles when they’re at work. It will require a commitment to spend the time planning. This is how the planning might “look” for you:

  • Is your workplace “breastfeeding friendly”? (See IL Breastfeeding law.) Do they have a dedicated room where you can go to pump?
  • Have you talked to your boss about the breaks you’ll need to take in order to pump? (often a mid morning, lunch and mid afternoon session)
  •  Do you know someone else at work who is in the same situation? Ask them how they managed.
  •  Do you have a good quality electric pump? A double pump is often the fastest and easiest as you will be able to pump both breasts at the same time.
  • A second set of pump parts is helpful if you don’t have a good place to go to clean your parts after pumping or your time is limited.
  • You’ll need some dish soap, a bottle brush, paper towels for drying and a refrigerator to store the pumped milk (a cooler will also work). There are lots of other supplies you can purchase to help with the cleaning and storage.
  • Try to be consistent with pumping time and frequency; always pump into clean breast shields and bottles.
  • Breastfeed the baby when you’re home, before work, after work, at bedtime and on weekends. This will help both of you to continue to maintain the closeness you’ve spent so much time developing over the previous weeks.

There are many questions and concerns that come with new parenthood. Take everything in slowly, be realistic, rest often, take care of yourself physically and emotionally, connect with family and friends and enjoy every minute of this new and exciting journey!

Kathy Lipke is a registered nurse and board certified lactation consultant. She has been practicing as a consultant for 24 years providing in-home lactation and new family support. She and her husband Bob are the proud parents of two wonderful daughters, both of whom she breastfed. Her practice covers most of the city of Chicago and the northern suburbs. Her commitment is to support new families as they transition into parenthood.


Balancing New Motherhood and Breastfeeding

This article was also posted on Breastfeed, Chicago!  Check out their blog for other articles like this one and helpful breastfeeding resources.

My most memorable nursing moment with my son (my second child) was immediately after he was born.  My midwife handed him to me and he latched on and started nursing almost right away.  Part of this was due to his natural instinct to nurse, but the other part was my own confidence from having breastfed before.  I was so much more relaxed.  With my daughter, I had never held a baby that small (at birth she was only 5lbs 6oz), much less tried to nurse one.  After working so hard to get her latched on, I would become frustrated and discouraged from my repeated attempts.  When she finally did latch on, she would then fall asleep from all the hard work it took to get there.   I often felt overwhelmed while trying to provide this most basic need to my baby.

Becoming a new mom brings up a whole host of emotions.  While the actual act of becoming a mother happens the instant our baby is born or is given to us (in the case of adoption), the process of becoming a mother takes place over time.  I would argue that the postpartum period for a new mom is not 3 months as it is technically known to be.  For a new mom, this adjustment period lasts easily a year.  It can take that long for you to really internalize the changes in your identity and to fully appreciate the ways in which your life will not be the same as it was pre-baby.

Along with this major adjustment that you are undergoing, you are also responsible for nourishing your newborn.  Sometimes this is easy and sometimes it is hard.  Often our expectations of what nursing will be like are vastly different from the reality.  I always tell new moms that it is a learning process for both the mom and the baby.  Just as you have never breastfed a baby before, your baby has never nursed before.  It can be a tough learning curve for both mom and baby.  Up until this point in your life, you have probably become pretty proficient at your every day life whether it is in the professional or private realm.  There is nothing like learning to breastfeed a newborn baby that can make you feel incompetent at your “job” (because being a mom is now your job).  Worrying about whether you are getting enough into your baby to keep up with the demands of the pediatrician’s best friend:  the infant growth chart (which are designed to follow formula fed babies’ growth curves, not breast fed babies’) can make any mom more than a little anxious.  Make no mistake, when going well, breastfeeding can be extremely fulfilling and rewarding once you and your baby have the process figured out.  But when you are struggling, every single feeding (which means 8-10 times a day for sometimes an hour at a time) can feel daunting and overwhelming.

Stick with it.  It does get easier.  I am sure you have heard this before.  You may or may not believe it.  The rewards you will reap once all the kinks have been worked out are immeasurable.   If you are having difficulties breastfeeding, get help.  Find a breastfeeding support group (like La Leche) or a new moms group in your area.  Find a lactation consultant.  Many will consult for minor issues over the phone.  Seek out a postpartum doula.  Many are very knowledgeable about breastfeeding and will help you with many other challenging aspects of being a new mom.